Why Do I Keep Attracting the Same Painful Relationships?
“Why Do I Keep Ending Up Here?”
Maybe it starts with a rush—intense connection, flirty late-night texts, finally feeling seen.
But weeks (or months) in, things shift. You’re walking on eggshells. You feel anxious when they pull away, or suffocated when they cling too tight. You’re confused, disappointed… and mad at yourself for falling again.
You might be asking yourself:
“Why do I always attract emotionally unavailable people?”
“Why do I stay, even when I know it’s not right?”
“Am I the problem?”
If this sounds like you, I want you to hear this: you are not broken. There’s a reason your relationships might feel like emotional déjà vu.
And it’s not just in your head. It’s in your nervous system.
At Mindful Healing Counseling, we help clients across Chicago and throughout Illinois understand why love feels so complicated—and how to finally break free from cycles that keep hurting them.
How the Nervous System Seeks the Familiar (Not the Healthy)
Here’s a truth that feels both frustrating and freeing:
Your nervous system doesn’t care if something is good for you. It cares if it feels familiar.
From a survival standpoint, your brain is wired for recognition, not necessarily for happiness. In your earliest relationships—usually with caregivers—you learned what “love” and “safety” felt like. For some, that meant warmth and consistency. For others, it meant distance, unpredictability, or even chaos.
So as an adult?
You unconsciously chase after what your body knows. Even if it doesn’t align with what you want.
That might look like falling for partners who:
Don’t emotionally show up
Make you prove your worth
Keep you in a cycle of highs and lows
Why? Because your body whispers: “This feels familiar. I know how to survive this.”
But familiar doesn’t always mean healthy.
The Attachment Patterns That Shape Who You Love
Psychologists call these early blueprints attachment styles. They shape how we connect, how we handle conflict, and why some relationships feel like home—even when they hurt.
Anxious Attachment
Craves closeness, fears abandonment, reads into every silence.
Common thoughts: “I’m too much,” “They’ll leave if I mess up.”Avoidant Attachment
Values independence, struggles with vulnerability, feels smothered when things get close.
Common thoughts: “I can’t rely on anyone,” “I need space or I’ll lose myself.”Disorganized Attachment
A mix of anxious + avoidant behaviors, often rooted in trauma.
Common thoughts: “I want love—but I can’t trust it.”Secure Attachment
Communicates needs calmly, handles intimacy with comfort, feels safe in closeness.
Common thoughts: “I can love and be loved safely.”
Most of us didn’t grow up with secure attachment. But here’s the hope: attachment is not a life sentence. It’s a learned pattern—and you can unlearn it.
If you’re wondering what your attachment style is, therapy can help you explore it in a compassionate, nonjudgmental way.
“But I Know It’s Not Right… So Why Can’t I Let Go?”
You can see the red flags. Your head says, “walk away,” but your chest aches and your heart whispers, “What if this time is different?”
This inner tug-of-war isn’t weakness. It’s your nervous system in action.
When you grew up being criticized, ignored, or left, your body learned survival strategies like:
People-pleasing to keep connection
Withdrawing to avoid rejection
Hyper-attuning to other people’s moods
So when a partner repeats those dynamics, your nervous system lights up. It feels urgent, high-stakes—even if nothing “big” has happened yet.
You’re not failing. You’re reliving what your body learned.
Trauma Bonds: When Intensity Feels Like Love
Have you ever thought, “But the connection is just so strong”—even in a relationship that hurts you?
That intense pull can be a trauma bond: a cycle of highs and lows that feels addictive.
It tricks your brain into mistaking intensity for intimacy:
The coldness makes the warmth feel intoxicating
The conflict makes the reunion euphoric
The unpredictability keeps you hooked
It’s not chemistry. It’s survival energy. And once you see it for what it is, you can start breaking free.
How to Break the Cycle (Gently)
Healing doesn’t come from shaming yourself or “fixing” who you are. It comes from compassion, awareness, and new experiences of safety.
Here are four steps you can start today:
1. Notice Your Patterns with Curiosity
Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?” try:
What feels familiar about this relationship?
When have I felt this way before?
Am I chasing comfort, or genuine connection?
Awareness is the first crack in the cycle.
2. Learn What Secure Love Feels Like
If you grew up with chaos, calm might feel boring—or suspicious. But safety isn’t flashy. It looks like:
Texts you don’t have to decode
Boundaries that are respected
Emotions that are heard, not dismissed
At first, it may feel strange. That’s okay—you’re learning something new.
3. Regulate Your Nervous System
When your body is stuck in fight-flight-freeze, it’s hard to trust yourself. Therapy and simple practices can help retrain your body to recognize safety.
Try:
Deep breathing
Humming or singing (activates the vagus nerve)
Somatic therapy or yoga
Grounding exercises before tough conversations
4. Work with a Therapist Who Gets It
Breaking patterns isn’t about willpower—it’s about support. You need a safe space to untangle your past and create new ways of connecting.
At Mindful Healing Counseling, we specialize in:
Relationship trauma & attachment wounds
Anxiety and emotional overwhelm in love
Repeating unhealthy patterns
Identity, boundaries, and connection—especially for women, BIPOC, and LGBTQIA+ clients
You don’t have to keep repeating cycles. Therapy can help you finally feel safe, seen, and loved for who you are.
You’re Not Broken—You’re Wired for Survival
If you’ve ever felt ashamed for choosing the “wrong” person again, take a deep breath.
You’re not stuck because you’re weak. You’re stuck because your body is trying to protect you in the only way it knows how.
But survival isn’t the same as happiness. With support, you can teach your nervous system something new.
You can choose love that’s not just familiar—but actually healthy.
Ready to Break Free from Painful Patterns?
If this blog feels like your story, you’re not alone. At Mindful Healing Counseling, we help clients across Chicago and Illinois build healthier, more secure relationships.
Frequently Asked Questions
What kind of therapy helps with repeating relationship patterns?
Attachment-based therapy, trauma-informed approaches, and somatic practices are especially powerful. We combine these at Mindful Healing Counseling to help you heal from the inside out.
Can I really change my attachment style?
Yes. Patterns can shift over time with healing relationships and consistent support—including the therapeutic one.
What if healthy love feels scary?
That’s normal. If you grew up in chaos, calm can feel unfamiliar. Therapy helps you learn to trust safety and allow it to feel natural.
Online Therapy in Chicago & Illinois
We offer online therapy across Illinois—including neighborhoods like Hyde Park, Oak Park, South Loop, Orland Park, and Evanston.
Whether you’re single, dating, or trying to heal from heartbreak, we provide culturally affirming, trauma-informed, and LGBTQIA+ inclusive therapy that meets you where you are.
You don’t have to keep repeating the same story. Healing starts with one step—and we’re here when you’re ready.
