What Happens When You Set Boundaries?

How do you feel about your relationships? Do they bring you joy or leave you depleted? Do you say yes, when you would rather scream NO!? Rolling your eyes when the phone rings to avoid ‘that’ person? Do you ever think “when is it going to be my turn?” Do they feel mutual or one-sided?

If your needs come last to those of your spouse, children, parents, siblings, in-laws, friends, work, etc., boundaries can help create more peace and happiness in your life. Your needs don’t have to sit on the back burner. You can’t be all things — or do all things — for all people.

Is It Mean or Wrong to Set Boundaries?

Too often, people think of boundaries as mean, uncaring or selfish. Most of us don’t want to hurt or disappoint those we love. However, a lack of boundaries can trigger feelings of stress, anxiety, depression and more. When we don’t have good boundaries, we often begin to feel resentful, angry and exhausted in relationships. Rather than expressing what we need and what we are comfortable with, we may gossip, complain, avoid, or cut off others. But we don’t have to become overwhelmed to set a boundary.

Boundaries are limits that we set for ourselves and others. They are NOT about forcing anyone else to change or about controlling situations. It’s a request of those in our lives. It’s about CHOICE--- our choice and their choice.

Boundaries are everywhere, and we often follow them unquestioned. They clarify expectations. For example, in most stores in the United States, there is a boundary of no shirt, no shoes, no service. Not many challenge this rule. If someone has their fence locked, the majority of people don’t open the fence and go play in that person’s yard. We understand the fence is a physical boundary.

What Are Your Boundaries?

Let’s say you allow a cousin to borrow your car and they bring it back empty and filthy. You can angrily take your car to the gas station, fill it up and get a car wash, all while resenting allowing your car to be used. You may even start blaming yourself and become sad or depressed. Instead, when your cousin brings back the car you could say, 'Hey, I am open to you using my car, but please be sure to refill the tank and clean up any trash.' From there, they have a choice, and you have a choice. As long as you are clear and respectful, it is not up to you to take on their emotional response. You have done nothing wrong.

Holidays are frequently a time of stress and anxiety for people, because others’ expectations may be outside of what feels comfortable for us. Is your mom constantly critical of your friends, choice of partner, job and you? Let’s say, she books a ticket to come stay with you for 2 weeks for the holidays. Rather than suck it up and seethe with resentment the entire trip, you can politely decline or offer an alternative that works better for you.

You CAN set a boundary. Without boundaries, people can treat you however they want, because they are no clear guidelines. Although creating boundaries can create some short-term stress, honoring them can reduce stress and bring more peace long term.

So, What Are Boundaries?

According to Nedra Tawwab, licensed therapist and author of Set Boundaries and Find Peace, boundaries are a verbal or an action that you communicate to someone to feel safe, secure, and supported in a relationship.

Boundaries help us to feel safe and respected. There are many types of healthy boundaries including, physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, intellectual boundaries, sexual boundaries, time boundaries, boundaries around material possessions, or financial boundaries.

When we have healthy boundaries, we are able to clearly communicate what we want and don’t want. This allows us to feel less drained and overwhelmed. It gives us an opportunity to enjoy and feel more fulfilled in our relationships.

Practicing Boundaries

According to the NPR article, “The boundaries we set help us guard our energy. Here's how to do it”, it is important to practice boundaries daily. Some tips from the article include:

• Do an honest assessment of what you're willing to tolerate. When you encounter something that doesn't feel good, create a boundary and communicate it.

• When you're feeling overextended, say so. We can't expect other people to know our capacity.

• Say no to requests that you don't actually have the time or energy to fulfill. You can practice different ways to decline

Consistency Matters

To have your boundaries respected, it is important to know your values and stick to your boundaries EVERY time. If your boundaries are easily changed, they will not be followed or believed by others. Consistency is key. For example, let’s say you son wants a toy every time you go to the store. If you don’t want to reinforce this, you set limits. However, if sometimes you give in if he keeps asking or has a tantrum, he learns that boundary is not clear and will be changed the harder he protests. Adult relationships follow the same guidelines.

When you set boundaries, you gain more freedom and peace. Remember, boundaries are a healthy part of relationships. When you set limits on what is comfortable for you and how you want to be treated, it can help you live your happiest, healthiest life. Boundaries are about CHOICES. Your choices and their choices.

Further Reading:

• Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawaab

• Boundaries When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Need Help With Boundaries? Start Counseling in Chicago and Illinois

At Mindful Healing Counseling, we understand the challenges of managing the guilt and anxiety that comes with creating boundaries. That's why our team comprises several therapists specialized in helping you discover what your needs are and what boundaries you want. We offer counseling services virtually to individuals residing in Chicago and throughout Illinois.

Our therapists are experienced and trained in working with people dealing with various concerns such as anxiety, trauma, depression, pregnancy and postpartum concerns, relationship difficulties, life transitions, setting boundaries, managing family dynamics, navigating grief, and more. We prioritize providing affirming spaces for BIPOC and LGBTQ+ individuals. We offer a range of evidence-based treatments including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), mindfulness-based approaches, relational therapy, and more. Our services extend to adults of all ages, as well as teens, college students, couples, and families.

Reach out to us today. You can contact us by filling out our contact form or by calling or texting us at 708-419-3171. We're here to support you every step of the way.